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Feb. 11th, 2019 03:23 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mad_tea_partyToday, I woke up and decided I needed music. This isn't unusual. It's the band I needed. Icon for Hire. This band has been in my life for at least a year and a half. Maybe a little longer. Why? Because of the themes of most of their music. Depression, mental illness. They're not the only band that talks about mental illness that I listen to, but today is for them. Their lead singer is very open in the lyrics about all of her struggles with depression, and that is something I really can respect.
And when I can't verbalize how I'm feeling, her music does. Just when I think I'm going to have a great streak of days where I don't feel down or upset over seemingly nothing, depression rears it's ugly head. I have no motivation today, and I hate it. I have already done the dishes, taken out the trash, and fed the cat. But I didn't do things with a glad heart like I have been lately. Today it felt more mechanic. Like I was a robot and those actions have been so programmed that I just did them emotionlessly.
Today I have Crochet Club at the library and while I am kinda excited about it, I'm also so upset and uptightly emotionally today that I almost don't wanna go. But I need to learn to triple crochet, and while my new friend Jen from Saturday's gaming group is right, I could find it on YouTube, there is also something about having a physical teacher there if I get stuck. I can't ask the YouTuber for help.
But I'm listening to Icon for Hire, and I have hope that today will pass and I may get back to what I'm doing. I think part of my mood may have something to do with Valerie last night. She was severely depressed and down. And unfortunately for me, I am what they call an empath, and unwillingly, I end up taking on other people's emotions. This happens with every emotion, not just depression/sadness. The worst is when my Dad is in a funk. He radiates his anger. Oh My Gosh does he ever. But back to last night.
I called her because I had kinda disappeared to rock paint most of yesterday with another friend who needed to get out of the house. (Apparently, I am the one who will quickly let someone come over if they need to get away... wish that was returned more often or that I could...) . But Val was sick. And when she's sick, and her depression is rearing it's ugly head, it's never pretty. And I mean, I love her to death, and I'm not judging, but I really hate when she goes out when she's depressed because she ends up even worse when she comes home. So I made her promise to rest for the night once I got off. By the end of that phone call, I was zapped of energy. I wish she'd just told me she was too depressed to talk on the phone. She knows how I can get.
But after that, I couldn't focus on anything, and even though I tried to RP with my friend Alex after, I couldn't focus. 🙁 I felt horrible. I didn't want to crochet, and I didn't wanna watch TV, so I went to bed. And I woke up, as you can see is, in a worse mood than I left the world for the night in. Here is hoping things pick up.
And when I can't verbalize how I'm feeling, her music does. Just when I think I'm going to have a great streak of days where I don't feel down or upset over seemingly nothing, depression rears it's ugly head. I have no motivation today, and I hate it. I have already done the dishes, taken out the trash, and fed the cat. But I didn't do things with a glad heart like I have been lately. Today it felt more mechanic. Like I was a robot and those actions have been so programmed that I just did them emotionlessly.
Today I have Crochet Club at the library and while I am kinda excited about it, I'm also so upset and uptightly emotionally today that I almost don't wanna go. But I need to learn to triple crochet, and while my new friend Jen from Saturday's gaming group is right, I could find it on YouTube, there is also something about having a physical teacher there if I get stuck. I can't ask the YouTuber for help.
But I'm listening to Icon for Hire, and I have hope that today will pass and I may get back to what I'm doing. I think part of my mood may have something to do with Valerie last night. She was severely depressed and down. And unfortunately for me, I am what they call an empath, and unwillingly, I end up taking on other people's emotions. This happens with every emotion, not just depression/sadness. The worst is when my Dad is in a funk. He radiates his anger. Oh My Gosh does he ever. But back to last night.
I called her because I had kinda disappeared to rock paint most of yesterday with another friend who needed to get out of the house. (Apparently, I am the one who will quickly let someone come over if they need to get away... wish that was returned more often or that I could...) . But Val was sick. And when she's sick, and her depression is rearing it's ugly head, it's never pretty. And I mean, I love her to death, and I'm not judging, but I really hate when she goes out when she's depressed because she ends up even worse when she comes home. So I made her promise to rest for the night once I got off. By the end of that phone call, I was zapped of energy. I wish she'd just told me she was too depressed to talk on the phone. She knows how I can get.
But after that, I couldn't focus on anything, and even though I tried to RP with my friend Alex after, I couldn't focus. 🙁 I felt horrible. I didn't want to crochet, and I didn't wanna watch TV, so I went to bed. And I woke up, as you can see is, in a worse mood than I left the world for the night in. Here is hoping things pick up.
