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Truth Time
Dec. 21st, 2022 09:46 amSomeone told me that I can use this thing to talk to you guys more directly about what's been going on with me. I guess they're right. But truthfully, I don't like clouding you guys with my drama because I like to be the person who is positive in our circles. That's what I want to be known for. But. I want to speak now about some stuff.
My anxiety has been incredibly bad the last few months. It's been a lot of different things that I don't have to get into the details for. Some of it you guys do know about. You know about Teal and her ongoing licking issue. You know, some of you, that Dad has been going through depression due to finances since Mom's retirement. But I think a lot of it might be a Winter thing, too. hmm.
My depression... well. It's not nearly as bad as my anxiety. But it is there and it always will be I think. As long as there is negativity in the world, and as long as people like my Dad keep trying shove the World news down my throat, and people are dying around me, and I keep losing people as a consequence of not being able to handle and/or deal with my psychiatric needs the right way as of late... I don't think that's gonna change any time soon.
Florida is a wonderful state. I love it down here for a lot of reasons, but the Medicaid system here SUCKS mother fucking ass. The doctors could fucking care less. The primary office I have here in Hudson has a worse turnover than your local Mom and Pop restaurant. I need to keep a primary doctor, and i can't. They won't refill my Hydroxyzene again. That's my anxiety medication, folks. and we wonder why the fuck I can't handle extra shit right now. Now. I have to handle that. Can you imagine having the type of anxiety I have that can't handle conflict, and having to go back and forth with doctors like this? Ask me how many times I've actually attempted this. The answer to that question is a whopping twice. So SO SO SO pissed. Partly at myself, but partly at the system for putting those of us who are IN this predictament in this position in the first goddamn place.
Oh, and i lost out on a job opportunity, too because again, the system fucks people over who are on Social Security. So Mom was gonna get me hired as a greeter at her new seasonal job at Block Advisors in January and we did all the right things. We went down to SSA and talked to someone to see how much would be taken out of my check if I worked just part time 1 day. and since they go by the month, it STILL would've been entirely too much. Like, what the actual fuck. Do they not *want* people to work? I mean geezus. It's literally BETTER NOT to work. That's fucked up. I mean, it's *Really* fucked up.
So. Yeah. On the outside, and in conversations, I may seem like I'm doing okay and maybe in a better place than some, but honestly, I'm feeling stuck as hell, and NOT at all in any position to be helping anyone other than to let them know that yes, I am aware of their existence, yes I know they are hurting or having issues too and that I wish I could help, and finally, that I wish I could do more. Cause this is not how I used to be. This is not who I *want* to be. Those of you who have known me the longest should know and understand this most. And I'm sorry. Just know that even if I can't listen to you tell me your problems and try and work them out with you doesn't mean I don't think about you and pray wish for a solution for your pain as well. I wish we could all live pain free. It just... it shouldn't exist as rampant as it does nowadays. It feels so wrong and off. So I will leave you guys with this for now. Please take care of yourselves in the best way you can. That's really all any of us can do. I'm here for general chat, guys. Distractions, too, if you need them. Let's raise each other up in this horribly, mentally draining time we're all living in.
My anxiety has been incredibly bad the last few months. It's been a lot of different things that I don't have to get into the details for. Some of it you guys do know about. You know about Teal and her ongoing licking issue. You know, some of you, that Dad has been going through depression due to finances since Mom's retirement. But I think a lot of it might be a Winter thing, too. hmm.
My depression... well. It's not nearly as bad as my anxiety. But it is there and it always will be I think. As long as there is negativity in the world, and as long as people like my Dad keep trying shove the World news down my throat, and people are dying around me, and I keep losing people as a consequence of not being able to handle and/or deal with my psychiatric needs the right way as of late... I don't think that's gonna change any time soon.
Florida is a wonderful state. I love it down here for a lot of reasons, but the Medicaid system here SUCKS mother fucking ass. The doctors could fucking care less. The primary office I have here in Hudson has a worse turnover than your local Mom and Pop restaurant. I need to keep a primary doctor, and i can't. They won't refill my Hydroxyzene again. That's my anxiety medication, folks. and we wonder why the fuck I can't handle extra shit right now. Now. I have to handle that. Can you imagine having the type of anxiety I have that can't handle conflict, and having to go back and forth with doctors like this? Ask me how many times I've actually attempted this. The answer to that question is a whopping twice. So SO SO SO pissed. Partly at myself, but partly at the system for putting those of us who are IN this predictament in this position in the first goddamn place.
Oh, and i lost out on a job opportunity, too because again, the system fucks people over who are on Social Security. So Mom was gonna get me hired as a greeter at her new seasonal job at Block Advisors in January and we did all the right things. We went down to SSA and talked to someone to see how much would be taken out of my check if I worked just part time 1 day. and since they go by the month, it STILL would've been entirely too much. Like, what the actual fuck. Do they not *want* people to work? I mean geezus. It's literally BETTER NOT to work. That's fucked up. I mean, it's *Really* fucked up.
So. Yeah. On the outside, and in conversations, I may seem like I'm doing okay and maybe in a better place than some, but honestly, I'm feeling stuck as hell, and NOT at all in any position to be helping anyone other than to let them know that yes, I am aware of their existence, yes I know they are hurting or having issues too and that I wish I could help, and finally, that I wish I could do more. Cause this is not how I used to be. This is not who I *want* to be. Those of you who have known me the longest should know and understand this most. And I'm sorry. Just know that even if I can't listen to you tell me your problems and try and work them out with you doesn't mean I don't think about you and pray wish for a solution for your pain as well. I wish we could all live pain free. It just... it shouldn't exist as rampant as it does nowadays. It feels so wrong and off. So I will leave you guys with this for now. Please take care of yourselves in the best way you can. That's really all any of us can do. I'm here for general chat, guys. Distractions, too, if you need them. Let's raise each other up in this horribly, mentally draining time we're all living in.
