Zie

So for most of you guys, you know what went down this past weekend. that's right. I made it to PowerMorphicon after SO many years of saying I'd get here.

The only problem is that the person I said that to so many years ago could not be with me. It has been an incredibly long, hard, and painful year. And while I know my pain can't even compare to what lil bro Jonathan has dealt with, it doesn't make it any less painful. He and I have both pointed out time and again that only the two of us can possibly understand the impact and emptiness in our lives without him.

I know on some level he was there. One way I know? When I was talking to Ryota Ozawa, and getting my selfie with him, I swear to GOD I felt Fred's arms around me too. Not totally surprising if he visited me the night before he'd try to 'photo bomb' me and Captain Marvelous! LOL Was not the only time this happened, but it is the time I felt him the most present.

The things that helped me most this weekend were just so how welcoming and compassionate the cast members were. Even when i was fangirling (and I FANGIRLED A LOT OVER RICHARD BRANCATISANO (Xander Bly from Power Rangers Mystic Force) and MILO CAWTHORNE (Ziggy Grover from Power Rangers RPM), and after I told the respective boys what was going on this weekend, I got extra hugs.

Were there meltdowns? HELL YES. Smaller ones during the con, and one very massive one Sunday night after it was all over. But I have to admit that I am so proud of myself for not canceling. Because setting aside the encounters I paid for, it was a lot of fun, and amazing to see the people that have been on my small screen for so much of my life. I know Fred was happy for me to have these experiences. He would not want his absence to have soured the whole thing for me.

Physically his absence was felt. Emotionally, it was felt. But I also, at the same time, got the sense he was experiencing the con with me at points. First with Ryota, and then every time i talked to Jonathan this weekend it took some of the pressure off because there were things I told him that I normally would have shared with my bestie shit piece. Jonathan was key in making sure I didn't completely fucking lose it. and I don't know if he completely understands that. All I know is he kept checking in on me. Especially after my meltdown the night before I was to meet Ryota Ozawa. He started monitoring me a bit more.

I will be writing more about the encounters at a later date, but I wanted to just talk a bit about the Con and what it was like to do it without the person I was supposed to do it with in the first place.