The Meltdown

So it finally happened. Two nights ago, I had a horrible chat wide meltdown. It spanned 3 OOC chats, and at least one RP chat in-character. It was not pretty, and thankfully, my RP friends and those who were not RPing at the time were there to catch me as it happened when they found out.

Still haven't pinned point exact causes. But as far as I've deciphered there are multiple things that contributed. They were in no particular order:

RP related things that normally don't bother me individually, but that all happened at once, and for some reason it got to me this time.

Loss of use of my left hand/wrist for a good 2 weeks for multiple functions, including being able to vent in this journal or offline. Dojn't talk to me about text to speech. They still haven't perfected that bullshit, and I hate that fact becuase you know damn straight I'd have it if they did. Cause I'm so tired of this crap. I couldn't type, couldn't game, couldn't crochet, couldn't diamond paint. Fuck. Couldn't do SHIT. I could RP on my phone, but it was limited, and even that got hard because it was right-handed and my right hand is weak cause of that's where my CP is, so....yeah. I still don't have full function of my left wrist. I shouldn't even be on this keyboard again, but I needed to get some shit down becuase you guys need to know that NO, I am really NOT OKAY.

Even Mommy Candice (as Lexi calls her) Knows I'm not okay. She's leaving me alone. That's really all she can do.

But here is something two nights ago that set me off, and it really set the ball rolling for the rest of the night.

I got to thinking about how much I really had been dreaming about Rob Paulsen passing. I mean, and it happens so often, it's ridiculous. I dream more aobut him passing than my own parents, and i'm not sure if that's good or bad. The latest recurring dream is thus:

I wake up in my dream to the news that Rob had died overnight. This is the morning of the night I was supposed to go see him, Jess Harnell, and Tress MchNielle and Maurice LaMarche at Animaniacs Live! in Tampa with backstage passes and finally meet him in person. Of course I fucking lose it in the dr3eam. It seems his Cancer had resurfaced undetected.

The scene switches to all of us in my RP group going the the funeral, but they all fade, and it's guests are Jess, Tress, and all of the characters Rob voiced. At the head of the group is Yakko. Then it's just me and Yakko at his grave. And I'm just sobbing uncontrollably. And I turned to Yakko and I say, "He'll never really know. He'll never ever know, cause I didn't get to tell him, Yakko..."

Yakko pulls out a tablet from hammer space, and shows me Rob's personal Twitter saves. It's all of my Tweets to him about how he's impacted me, and inspired me, and he's hearted every single one. And Yakko says, "He did know. Trust me. He knew." And the dream always ends with me and Yakko hugging tightly.

Well, fuck me. I just... I wake up crying every time. Now, I can't EVER EVER EVER tell Mom about this dream becuase she's gonna talk about irrational it is to get that upset over someone I've never met, but let me tell you. I really feel like after hearing VOice Lessons, and realizing more and more how many characters he's done that I've seen/heard? I DO know Rob. (Tonight? I found out that little shit voiced my favorite ever Gummi Bear! WTF, Rob. Stop voicing my goddamn imaginary friends!)

So that conversation took place in one of the OOC groups I belong with my Warner Brothers RP group. (We have subgroups. Long story.)

Then, in the RP, Bailee had a meltdown of biblical proportions over the Warners being gone. The Warners I refer to as the "Nuclear Warners" as in the ones who live in the Tower with her. These are: Wakko, Wrekko, Lakko, Waldo, Yakko, Ruegger, and Delia. So before I can explain further let me explai nwhat's happenuing OOC.

Yakko Player, bless her, is working hard on finding a job outside of the house, and bettering herself, and because of her personal life, hasn't had the extra energy to really put into RPing as much anymore, so Yakko has been pretty quiet, so he's basically been there, but not, so in character, Bailee has noticed this change, and is now reacting to this as anyone with her mental condition would. (This is also the only way I can deal with it because I am understanding, and i am seriously immensely proud of her pursuits, but I cannot pretend that I really miss her in RP, and she is aware of it. We've had many conversations about it. The only reason I ever talk to her about it is when I need to let it out, so I don't overwhelm myself emotionally. Never to make her feel guilty.

Waldo player is a senior in school, and from personal experience, I know how busy senior year can get! So I definitely don't begrudge him! I miss HELL out of him though, and his two characters, too, Waldo and Lakko. As soon as his ass graduates, pending any graduation parties, I am hog tying his ass to a chair and making him RP. (I gist, Waldo player, I gist! Don't send pitch forks!)

And Ruegger player.... well. He is also in school, and he keeps himself so busy, sometimes I have to tag him multiple times before he replies, and then I hang on to him as long as I can so he doesn't leave! This is for personal and RP reasons, but yeah.

So with all these sudden changes (mostly the one concerning Yakko Player, actually),and then having characters disapear in character in the RP on top of it when there weren't many for me to interact with i nthe first place just all hit me at once I gues, and it overwhelmed me. But I really do think it had a lot to do with the wrist too. Just everything at once.

Right after the meltdown, though, I put on Animaniacs, and the Warners did their job. Especially Wakko. He's my therapist for a reason, right?

Just.....I hope my wrist keeps healing, and I can get some relief.